I am a human not a machine

Today's stormy and rainy weather best describe how I have been feeling for the past 3 days. Like running a marathon, I have come to the last lap before this chapter of operational ministry ends. Somehow, I think I am really tired physically and emotionally, to some extent that affects my spiritual health as well.

I have not been feeling well since sat and today, hate the feeling of being physically weak and a mind that cannot focus and think properly. I realise that my health has deteroriated ever since early this year largely due to stress, fast pace and demanding lifestyle that I faced for past 1 yr plus. If given a choice, I wouldn't want to live my life this way. Dislike that fact that my family has to be worried for me when I fall ill, dislike the experience of not able to stay healthy and lead a more productive life. Why must I fall sick again and again?

Yesterday afternoon, I had a good catch up with some of my peers from the adults group. It was a fruitful time of learning about missions and also their experience in courtship. The sharing by a brother who went to Kenya for short term missions trip was insightful and I gained a new perspective about church planting. Based on his sharing, I admired that heart and the conviction of the church planters. Though I do not know them personally, they must have a very deep conviction from God, burden and love for the people to stay and impact in a culture that's not favourable, a place where the conscience of majority is seared. They have been there for 4 yours, with 8 members in the CG who have never said a word of appreciation to them (FYI, that's common in their culture to take things for granted). Two criteria were given by the church planters to those who are interested in missions in Kenya. Firstly one has to be strong emotionally, if discourage easily, please do not go there. Secondly, a prayerful lifestyle. I really agree especially on the first part, I draw a correlation on my journey of staying back that without a resilient heart and emotionally stability, there's no way one can serve effectively. Question that came to my mind while listening were, how's my love for people? Have I grown to be more loving? Am I willing to be used by God to love people unconditionally? If I cannot handle the stress and challenges locally, what makes me think that I can be ready and go church planting in future? Hard questions to evaluate my life and my love for God and people. Areas that I need to grow.

Among the people who turned up (5 of us in all), 3 are currently in courtship. They shared about their courtship experiences, the seminars and discussion meetings that they attended so far. I also get to know that relationship and finding a life partner is quite a major concern in their ministry currently. I was prompted to ask this question which have been in my mind for some time. Out of curiosity, I asked, "why do you want to find a life partner?" Each response given was different to certain extent, one said it's because of needs (A natural inclination to have someone who can shared your burden and give you support vice versa), the other bro said it's time and he felt he is ready to pursue this aspect of his life while seeking his life purpose in Christ and the sister mentioned before going into a relationship she felt she has grown to some extent, she realised about her weaknesses and how she has grown as she manage this aspect of her life. I think though different people gave different reasons why they want to find a life partner, but it falls into the category that all of us (as long as we are beings with emotions) will desire a deep relationship maybe another word to use is soul mate, one who can standby and support you. I am actually glad that most of them mentioned about extending God's kingdom as couples and with the hope that they can serve God to a greater extent than when they are single.

Interestingly, I thought my heart will feel a sense of envy but I am a proud single during the meeting. To be very frank, 1 year ago, I might feel the envy and ask God when is my turn. At the meeting, instead of anxiety and envy that I thought I might have, there's peace and assurance in my heart. I am not worried or anxious about this aspect of my life. Sometimes as I reflect and think, maybe if i were to move on 2 years ago, I might be like them now, possibly in courtship but nothing beats a journey and life that obeys God's call to learn to wait (I am speaking my personal life). If I were to move on pre-maturely knowing that God has called me to stay back, I would not be able to know and hear more from Him with regards to my life purpose. Exciting years coming ahead if my studies application approve, the possibility of realising a business plan and a new ministry that's coming ahead. Whether or not to find a life partner now is secondary, but finding my life purpose in Christ is priority. I believe eventually that aspect will also fall into place and become clearer as I continue seek my life purpose in Christ.

I am thankful to God that he preserved me in this area to learn to wait and be patient despite of very real temptations at work and the seemingly good opportunities that arises. Like what I mentioned to all my sheep, I would want to emphasise again on my conviction.

1+1 cannot be less than 2
1+1 cannot be equal to 2
1+1 MUST BE MORE than 2 (Synergy to serve God and extent KOG)
Being a single and living out a maximised life in Him is better than getting married and living a compromised life. I hope I can continue to live up my conviction. Jesus, pls continue to preserve me.