Frozen Dreams

Freedom of expression, gracefulness, outburst of passion, the sense of excitement and fulfilment.

These words came to me when I saw this picture. Those words best describe the days when I performed on stage with the freedom of expression, to do something that I really enjoy with tremendous satisfaction that no words can describe. After thinking for awhile, I really miss those days where I performed on stage, dancing freely and joyfully. This is one passion that's been hidden and frozen for many years.... many many years.... It's no wonder that recently, I am feeling something missing... I did what I have to do daily, but still a part of me is still not fulfilled....

At the age of 7, I picked up ballet and was exposed to this form of dance. There was a selection for different ECA, I was selected to join ballet. My dance teacher saw the potential in me and trained me right from Primary 1. I always look forward to school not because of studies but because of my ECA then. To do something that I can excel and enjoy is really a blessing itself. I do not have to worry or be fearful like my peers because the passion and the enjoyment just propels me to practice beyond the time that was required. I began to excel and performed at different places beyond school's stage.

After 4 years of dancing, my dance teacher recommended me to learn outside so that I can be certified. There might be a possibility to pursue further in this area since I have the gifting and talents. She persuaded my parents and encouraged them for me to learn outside where professional ballet teacher can coach me but they declined as I was learning piano and the fees was already too high to manage. At the age of 11, I have in mind what to pursue for my career and vocation-- music and dance. At the age of 5, unlike many children who were forced by their parents to learn music, dance or be involved in other activities, I was a kid who actually told my parents what I want to learn. Maybe you might think that I was a very driven kid but I would say that I am quite certain since young in the area that I really enjoy and which area I can really derive joy from. That's why I was determined, even to the extent of going beyond the constraints.

I love my parents very much but it was really a regret that I could not pursue further in Ballet when my request was declined. I dun usually give up easily when I am committed to a cause, especially when I know I have found my niche.

Before I come to know God, in my loneliest days, it was dance and music which accompanied through my lowest moment. By nature, I am someone who seldom express myself vulnerably through words, it through music and dance where I can fully express my emotions, thoughts, joy and unhappy moments. It is also an avenue to vent my anger without having the fear of being judged by anyone. It's through these forms of arts that reveal my vulnerable side of me. Maybe not everyone can identify fully with me or perhaps it is too profound.

The dream of setting up a music and dance school crashed at the age of 11. The dream of becoming a pianist or a piano teacher crashed at the age of 18 when I stopped pursuing diploma in music. Till now, the hurt is still there. I can't lie to myself that music and dance are not my passion. God has given me these talents for a purpose. Hope to revive it, someday that it will be thawed and revived.

The day will come.

I am a human not a machine

Today's stormy and rainy weather best describe how I have been feeling for the past 3 days. Like running a marathon, I have come to the last lap before this chapter of operational ministry ends. Somehow, I think I am really tired physically and emotionally, to some extent that affects my spiritual health as well.

I have not been feeling well since sat and today, hate the feeling of being physically weak and a mind that cannot focus and think properly. I realise that my health has deteroriated ever since early this year largely due to stress, fast pace and demanding lifestyle that I faced for past 1 yr plus. If given a choice, I wouldn't want to live my life this way. Dislike that fact that my family has to be worried for me when I fall ill, dislike the experience of not able to stay healthy and lead a more productive life. Why must I fall sick again and again?

Yesterday afternoon, I had a good catch up with some of my peers from the adults group. It was a fruitful time of learning about missions and also their experience in courtship. The sharing by a brother who went to Kenya for short term missions trip was insightful and I gained a new perspective about church planting. Based on his sharing, I admired that heart and the conviction of the church planters. Though I do not know them personally, they must have a very deep conviction from God, burden and love for the people to stay and impact in a culture that's not favourable, a place where the conscience of majority is seared. They have been there for 4 yours, with 8 members in the CG who have never said a word of appreciation to them (FYI, that's common in their culture to take things for granted). Two criteria were given by the church planters to those who are interested in missions in Kenya. Firstly one has to be strong emotionally, if discourage easily, please do not go there. Secondly, a prayerful lifestyle. I really agree especially on the first part, I draw a correlation on my journey of staying back that without a resilient heart and emotionally stability, there's no way one can serve effectively. Question that came to my mind while listening were, how's my love for people? Have I grown to be more loving? Am I willing to be used by God to love people unconditionally? If I cannot handle the stress and challenges locally, what makes me think that I can be ready and go church planting in future? Hard questions to evaluate my life and my love for God and people. Areas that I need to grow.

Among the people who turned up (5 of us in all), 3 are currently in courtship. They shared about their courtship experiences, the seminars and discussion meetings that they attended so far. I also get to know that relationship and finding a life partner is quite a major concern in their ministry currently. I was prompted to ask this question which have been in my mind for some time. Out of curiosity, I asked, "why do you want to find a life partner?" Each response given was different to certain extent, one said it's because of needs (A natural inclination to have someone who can shared your burden and give you support vice versa), the other bro said it's time and he felt he is ready to pursue this aspect of his life while seeking his life purpose in Christ and the sister mentioned before going into a relationship she felt she has grown to some extent, she realised about her weaknesses and how she has grown as she manage this aspect of her life. I think though different people gave different reasons why they want to find a life partner, but it falls into the category that all of us (as long as we are beings with emotions) will desire a deep relationship maybe another word to use is soul mate, one who can standby and support you. I am actually glad that most of them mentioned about extending God's kingdom as couples and with the hope that they can serve God to a greater extent than when they are single.

Interestingly, I thought my heart will feel a sense of envy but I am a proud single during the meeting. To be very frank, 1 year ago, I might feel the envy and ask God when is my turn. At the meeting, instead of anxiety and envy that I thought I might have, there's peace and assurance in my heart. I am not worried or anxious about this aspect of my life. Sometimes as I reflect and think, maybe if i were to move on 2 years ago, I might be like them now, possibly in courtship but nothing beats a journey and life that obeys God's call to learn to wait (I am speaking my personal life). If I were to move on pre-maturely knowing that God has called me to stay back, I would not be able to know and hear more from Him with regards to my life purpose. Exciting years coming ahead if my studies application approve, the possibility of realising a business plan and a new ministry that's coming ahead. Whether or not to find a life partner now is secondary, but finding my life purpose in Christ is priority. I believe eventually that aspect will also fall into place and become clearer as I continue seek my life purpose in Christ.

I am thankful to God that he preserved me in this area to learn to wait and be patient despite of very real temptations at work and the seemingly good opportunities that arises. Like what I mentioned to all my sheep, I would want to emphasise again on my conviction.

1+1 cannot be less than 2
1+1 cannot be equal to 2
1+1 MUST BE MORE than 2 (Synergy to serve God and extent KOG)
Being a single and living out a maximised life in Him is better than getting married and living a compromised life. I hope I can continue to live up my conviction. Jesus, pls continue to preserve me.

D04: The Vine & the branch

Jesus + me = Fruits (Products)
Copyrighted (Designed by JP on 20th Aug 2008)

Finally I get to apply some techniques of what I learnt from my PPT 2007 course.

This is my meditation passage for the entire day from John 15:1-5, NKJV

" I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that I may bear more fruit. You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; without Me you can do nothing."

The vine -- Jesus (Ultimate source of energy, the lifeline that provides nutrients and produces fruits.

The branch -- me.

The branch is nothing and cannot bear fruit on its own. How true it is that sometimes no matter how hard we try, how much effort we put in, sometimes even by our own strength and willpower, things change but it's always shortlived. I don't have to be worried about producing fruits, it's a natural process or outcome when my life is right with Him. Fruits comes naturally with a deep relationship with God.

It's time to return to the source. It's time to set aside my busyness and the 101 things that needs my attention, just at the feet of Jesus, listening to him and abide in him.

I want this connection, deep connection with God, to be rejuvenated, to be alive spiritually in Him daily!

Personal prayer: Be connected and abide in Him every moment. :)

One month to live: Day 2 (Part 1)

The first thing I jotted yesterday which I hope to change if I had one month to live is to quit my job. The next day after jotting that down, I am back to work... LOL. (Disclaimer here: FYI, I do enjoy my work just that when you know you are about to "die", you wouldn't want to spend 1/3 of your day knowing that you only have 30 days left still at work...)

I struggled with the thought that how will this 30 days-to-live lifestyle challenge help or change me? Eventually, I had an ans to my question. First of all, I need to come to terms with the fact that it is not whether I quit my job that matters but how I use my time. And also, it's not as if I am really going to die in one month's time, God only you know. I still need to fulfill my basic responsibilities at work and for ministry.

I woke up this morning in a very lazy mode.. Not so much as if I am about to "die" in 29 days... Haha. (If you are totally lost, pls read my previous entry and you will have a better understanding)

Sluggishness overwhelmed me... the lazy and unmotivated me was greatly at work. My mind was saying "chey.. this is like any other day, so how is it going to be different?" I even had the thought of skipping my external course... (My carnal nature almost win but thankfully, I got off my bed in time)

I attended PPT 2007 training course, I was thankful to God that I did not allow my ill-discipline nature take over as I benefitted from the course to some extent. I also realise one thing about myself which is not a new relevation but a reinforcement. I have short attention span and super low energy. What energises me is when I am engaged in activities that stirs my interest or I see value in.

My learning style is not through conventional mode of learning through lecture, cos of that I really suffered a lot during my JC and Uni days... I learnt best through doing, reflecting & learning from my mistakes, I learnt most when I get to discuss with people on topic of interest, sparring of ideas when my mind is at tip-top condition (clear and active). I know myself well, no matter how hard I try when there's no inspiration, I can't work or contribute effectively. That's why I will usually give myself some buffer space to slow down, usually that when inspiration and ideas will come naturally.

The course was good in a way I can still multi-task while listening to the trainer and reply to emails and msn concurrently. My work has indeed trained me well.. hehe. :P

Supposed to meet Florence but she is down with flu. Flor, do get well soon! God has used you for Uni ESS, He will protect your health and heal you as well! :)

Finally, I had some time to slow down my pace after weeks of tight and packed schedule to breathe slower and think deeper. :) I am also glad to spend some time watching taiwan drama series with my sibilings and parents. Really treasure these bits of luxury and enjoy the moments together.

God, thank you for the day. :)

04.02.1982 - ?

Recently, I came across this book which caught my attention and I bought it. The title of the book is -- "One month to live".

My day 1 (Reflection and part of chapter one from the book)
Nothing focuses a person’s priorities in life like learning he is about to die. Many of us would suddenly realise we have spent our lives on things that were not very important. “When and then” thinking and do something for God that really matters. What matter is whether we have accomplished God’s purpose for our life.

How to experience life to the fullest by living passionately and purposefully, the way we were created to live. We need to embrace the fact that our time on earth is limited, we can live deliberately.

"Death is more universal than life, everyone dies but not everyone lives." -- Alan Sachs

Most of us if we knew we only had one month to live, would live differently. We would be more authentic about who we are and more deliberate about how we spent our time. But such a contrast begs the question: What keeps us from living this way now?



Why can't all of us live more of our life as if we are dying? Isn’t that how we were meant to live in the first place? To discover what we’re made for and to utilize our unique gifts in the limited amount of time we’re given.



What did I live for? Whom have I love? What were my passions? What were my biggest mistakes and regrets? (Questions that really cause me to ponder)

We don’t have control over many things in life. We didn’t get to decide where we were born, who our parents are, or which time period and culture we face. We don’t get to decide the dates on our gravestones, we don’t know when our time on this earth will be up. It could be next week, or next year, or decades away. Only God Knows. Our lives are in His hands. But there is one thing we have a vast amount of control over. We get to decide how we are going to use our dash. We get to choose how to spend the little dash of time between the two dates of my earthly existence. What are you spending yours on?


Ps 90:12, TLB “Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are, help us to spend them as we SHOULD.

James 4: 14 “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a while and then vanishes”



Why must we wait until we know we had one month to live, then we would look at everything from a different perspective?
Many things that you do now that seem so important would immediately become meaningless. You would have total clarity about what matters most and you wouldn’t hesitate to be spontaneous and risk your heart.

I have made a list of 5 things I’d change about my life if I know I only had a month to live.

My entire CG is journeying through this 30 days challenge (i.e. one month to live lifestyle) as we learn to revisit our priorities in Christ and to be more deliberate on what God values and what turly matter to us the most.

As expected, what was mostly shared with regards to the 5 things that they hope to change, mainly fall into 2 categories. Spending more intentional time with God and with our love ones. Learn to give more and bless others. It's no longer so much about task and projects to fulfill, achievements that we hope to see but on what we know in our heart that truly matter in Christ and to us.

5 List of things that I hope to change if I have only 1 month to live
1. Quit my job and reflect how I have been leading my 26 years of life (Recount my blessings and how God has changed me, how I have grown in Him, jot down all my spiritual milestones)

2. Spend more deliberate and quality time with my family and show more love and concern to them. (Be a better sister and a better daughter, I feel I have not done enough)

3. Through my action and verbal communication to show appreciation to the people who are very dear in my life, to love them the way they feel loved that includes my family and friends who have impacted my life especially those who have yet to know God. (As simple as catching up and have a great time spent together)

4. To jot down every single day how I spent and journalise down the moments lived each day

5. To live more for God and for others and less for myself

If you only had one month to live, what would you change?

Stellarium- 3D photo-realistic skies in real time

Those of you who are interested & into star gazing, this is a must software to download. (Btw, it's free!). It depicts the skies of different location in real time!

Download and you will know what I mean.
Here's the link,
http://www.download.com/Stellarium/3000-2054_4-10072276.html

I happened to know this from a colleague who used to work in Science Centre and very much into astronomy. It has always been my dream to go to some countries where the night sky is filled with shimmering, shiny stars. I can imagine myself getting out of hustle and bustle of daily routine, lying on the ground, gazing at the stars & admiring His Creation. This is simply therapeutic to the soul. Planning for the day to come. :)

Had a good meet up with Jo-N for shepherding, went to a familiar place for dinner at Shaw place. The Thai food is cheap and nice. We had home-made ice-cream too! I ordered chocolate stout. Yes! Stout.. Alcoholic Ice-cream. Haah I love to try new things and especially extremely big portions when it comes to food. (Those who know me well, will say Amen! LOL)

While saying grace for the food, I sensed a figure standing besides me... When I opened my eyes, I saw Eda. It was a pleasant surprise. She was my ex-colleague (good pal too) in my first job at Amdon Consulting. We chatted for a few mins where she mentioned that she is still in her current job very busy everyday, Sat teaches Piano etc. (This is sthg that I always hope to get in touch cos I used to teach piano too). When I asked, "So busy then how to rest?". She replied, " Sunday lor." When I heard that, somehow within my heart I know she has stopped attending church for really a long time. As she has lost my contact, she noted my number down. Before she bid goodbye for her swim, I said we must really catch up one of these days and she agreed. She was one dear colleagues whom I outreached and received Christ in Hope during USM days. As I was in an operational group, I brought her to another CG. Somehow, things did not work out for her and eventually she did not stay for long.

I believe it is not a coincident for her to bump into me. I must catch up with this friend soon as well as with the hope that one day, she will be re-connected back to God and this spiritual family. I was also reminded at the same time that I bumped into my secondary school friend at the same spot one month ago, one of my good friends in lower secondary school. She was the first few brave souls to outreach to me. (You must be wondering why brave souls? Well, for more information, you can ask me directly)

God, I believe that you are telling me to catch up with friends whom I have lost touch for some time. Yes, I will and intend to make a deliberate attempt despite of my busy schedule. I do treasure them cos they have played important roles in my life (Especially going through my ups and downs with me)

The time after dinner with Jo-N was great, after consecutive weeks of teachings, she requested to just talk. Ok, sheep like what you said we did. It was a fruitful time of being vulnerable to each other about different aspects of our lives and deepening our relationship. I mentioned one seemingly good opportunity that arised some time ago but I declined. Perhaps it is not His plan for me.

My relationship with Jo-N is one that I treasure a lot, likewise with my other sheep too. No amount of money can exchange the time invested to build others. The reward of seeing and witnessing the growth of the people that you mentor is unexplainable.

Jo-N, continue to keep the spiritual momentum in experiencing God and loving people! :)

Safe in Your Arms

This is my latest music composition.

https://www.yousendit.com/download/Q01GSXR3dWNLVlZjR0E9PQ

The inspiration came while I was practicing for Praise and Worship on Saturday morning, God inspired a melody within my heart specially for Holy Communion segment. I have no idea what the service leader (claramae) is going to share on that day but God gave me the inspiration to compose a melody that was light hearted, cheerful and the background was like a musical box playing. The image of a father and a little child playing joyfully at a playground was on my mind as I played the melody. I was reminded of my relationship with my heavenly father, like the child having a child-like faith before Him, purely enjoying His presence and the sense of security in His arms. I really enjoyed dwelling in His presence playing the melody that was inspired by God.

To my amazement, the song coincide very nicely to what clara shared about celebrating her 8th anniversary of her relationship wtih God!

Enjoy! :)

Apologetic is the seasoning, the gospel is the main course

TGIF! :)

Recently one of my sheep is desiring to know more about other religion in order to share more to her friends and I just came across this website, thought of revisiting and learn more as I have always been interested in apologetics as well as a resource for her to know more.

This is the website,
Is the Koran Accurate? Ravi Zacharias explains
http://technorati.com/videos/youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DoqtISZJ1A9s

The following comments by him struck me deeply and indeed very true.

"You will find that an answer to question the biggest danger to become cerebral that we forget the source of the answer. Sometimes a relationship with Christ is far greater than any cerebral answer that we can give to a particular question. The transformation that the Holy Spirit brings in the heart is more powerful than any arguement that a Christian Apologist can give.

Apologetic is the seasoning, the gospel is the main course. You do not want too much of the seasoning or you will make the main course incibit. Support the argument justifiably, but it is Christ that you need to lift up and it is the Holy Spirit that brings about the change within the human heart. And in the sermon it is the Spirit and the Word that comes together that brings about conviction. An argument may remove the doubt but it is only the Holy Spirit to convict the truth."

This is my prayer and area that I need to grow more-- Love people with a genuine love and lift up Christ wherever I am.

Rom 1:16 "I am not ashamed of the gospel because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes. "